31st March 2006

While I'm here

I must mention a couple of things. I met a guy called Damian yesterday who works in the TV business. I just sat down next to him because there were no tables available. And he was one of the nicest people you will ever meet. He has been to hell and back. So it was a serious calibration.

His nephew was murdered a few years ago and the pain was written all over his face. I asked whether he was okay and got a stoichal "of course". He's not. He's hurting more than I am. He's in agony. But he still has compassion. Two of the bastards who murdered his nephew are out of prison after serving less than four years. How fucking sick is that? If they'd robbed a Securicor van for a few grand, they would still be banged up. Sickening.

Compassion is something we spent a while talking about. It's a subjective word. My definition is giving a shit about your fellow human beings. He agreed. I'm not sure that others do.

I have his business card now and he has mine so we will meet up again. It was one of those chance meetings that are potentially life changing. It's amazing how you can sit down next to a guy in a railway station and form a bond in minutes. That gives me some hope for humanity.

Damian mate, call me whenever. It was truly a pleasure to meet you. You're one of the good guys and I know you're hurting. I might not offer much other than company, but I will do what I can for you.

The second thing that I wanted to say is that I don't want anymore enquiries about Nski or her blog. That has nothing to do with me now. I'm sure she has one somewhere else but I don't know where it is, and if I did, it would probably make me puke with pain. So please, no more emails or comments on that subject. I can't help and all it does is reinforce a loss that has literally driven me out of my mind. It's not fair on me or you. Throwing a drowning man a request for a life-belt is like pissing in the wind. I don't wish to be pissy but this is my therapy here; Nski is no longer my problem nor I hers; she made her decision and I have the daily horror of having to deal with that. I don't need other people asking me how she is or when she will be back, because quite frankly, I will probably never know. She'll inevitably end up in jail I know, but I won't know that because no-one would tell me. Her father is the only member of her family I have any respect for and I will do my utmost to stand by him. The rest are trash. I thought differently of Nski, but I was wrong, much to my chagrin.

Last thing for today before I go on my self-destruct mission again. Nicole from San Jose, that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. It has never happened before and I cannot thank you enough. I was, quite literally, stunned when I got that email. You must be one hell of a person. I owe you big time.

I know I keep saying this, but there are so many fantastic people in this world. And yet in day to day dealings we meet the dross. And in some cases we marry them, a mistake I have made twice now and do not ever intend to do again. I know I'm no angel but one thing I do have is empathy.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 10:11 GMT
 

Life in Thirsk

I had a great night with the FF last night. It was dominoes night for Bob so he didn't arrive until late. We chatted for ages about life. I can honestly say that she is the most marvelous woman ever, and gorgeous with it. My brother is one lucky man.

Nski used to moan about her excessive use of eye make up. Feck that. She looks a million dollars. And she's personable and not psychotic unlike someone else I know. Yeah, I'm angry -- don't read too much into that because it's just me feeling sorry for myself and lashing out. Nski isn't psychotic. She's fucking gorgeous and I am grieving.

I then sat watching Tori Amos all night on DVD. I had forgotten how much I loved her.

The FF set off to work armed with her Sam Payne CD. Bob won't tolerate it because there is no guitar involved but I know the FF will love it.

The only things that suck are (1) AOL DSL - utter rubbish, and (2) I hate cats and their bastard cat Pickles will not leave me alone for a second. I HATE cats and their constant whining. I'm allergic to them and they are just need machines. All I have done is promised not to kill it. More than that I cannot commit to.

I'll try to check in while I'm here but AOL is so painful that I want to extract teeth while castrating myself, just for some relief.

I doubt any of you are in Thirsk, but if you are, the Blacksmiths is a good bet. I'll be the guy with the Telegraph crossword, confused face and the look of a thoroughly beaten man. Gin and orange please.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 08:36 GMT
 

30th March 2006

The last grasp of sanity

Seeing Sam last night made me so happy.

I could listen to her forever. I've offered to redo her site for her for free. I can honestly say that her music has kept me sane for weeks now, and that the fact that I can chat with her makes it so much better. It literally hasn't left my CD player.

I bought the FF a copy to take tonight.

Honestly, her voice is like nothing on earth. She is a genius without doubt. Utterly unbelievable. I get obsessed with good female singers (Tori, Kate, Fiona etc.) but this girl just rocks my little world. And I can actually speak to her. It's like all your dreams coming true. Tori is a loon but I love her to bits. Kate is too over-emotional but again, I love her to bits. Fiona Apple has so much soul you could measure it on the Richter scale but she's a bit batshit. Sam is just a Yorkshire lass who warms your heart with her music.

The nicest thing about her is that she's not worried about dishing out advice. She gave me a lesson last night on the train. I know she's right but I have been in denial for a while now. It was pretty much what R said to me. I know. You're both right. And I will try my hardest to take your advice however things, as you both know, are a little rough at the moment.

There's no time other than when you are really down to discover the people that are great. MJ, Mopsa, Ms Luminous, Karen, Sam. And I received an email from someone I don't know from Adam who works in San Jose who was just so sweet I melted. You people are fantastic.

Thanks Sam and don't feel shy about commenting about what a twat I am. ;)


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 12:18 GMT
 

Life energy low

I had a nice night with Nic watching Sam play last night. The fog lifted for a while.

This morning sees me completely the opposite. I had an awful IM exchange with Nski yesterday and I've just reread it. I would sooner be shot than go through this. When you have been through what we have, no matter what the highs or lows, to suddenly be faced with that person disappearing from your world is soul destroying.

I can't sleep. I haven't eaten in days. I spend all my time wondering what she is doing. It's no fucking wonder I've gone mental.

In a few days time, I'll be 37. And I've resigned myself to a life alone. No-one will want a fractured person like me, and I don't want anyone else. I would be fine with that prospect if I thought it would be happy. But I know it won't. It will be a daily grind of hell and memories. What a future.

I sacrificed everything for Nski by moving to the US. Now, not only am I probably never going to get back into the US, I'll never see her or my kids again. And it breaks my heart. It hurts me to my very core.

What the hell do you do to pull yourself out of such a funk? What is there to fight for? All I can do is think that throwing myself into a job that I love is the solution. But that is what brought this all on in the first place. Is making the same mistake a reasonable thing to do? I don't know.

What I do know is that I am definitely off to Thirsk today for a few days. I have to get out of here for a while. Sitting alone feeling like shit is not going to fix anything. I need to get my act together and go back to work although I have no appetite at all for it. All I want to do is write web sites and code. I don't want to have deal with meetings and reviews and all of the other stuff that comes with big companies. I just want to do. Don't get me wrong, my employers have been nothing but supportive, but I am failing them at the moment.

Something drastic has to happen.

R and I need to hatch a plan. With Jez returning that will make it even more cunning. I need those kind of people around me at the moment. It's the only way I will keep sane.

I've done some very stupid things in my time but I have never regretted anything more than this. I foolishly believed Nski would wait for me. I believed her messages of support. Even up to a couple of weeks ago. And then this new guy answers the phone, takes great joy in telling me about their sex life and that I can't talk to her. How fucking gutting is that? You might as well tar and feather me.

I'm seriously considering stopping this because I'm just bleeding my brains all over a web site that one day my kids might/will find. And then I think, well, it's therapy. Do it. Heal yourself.

What to do? I'm sick. I'm tired and I've no life force.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 07:21 GMT
 

29th March 2006

Update

I went to York this evening see Sam. She was brilliant.

I was going to go to Bob and FF's but felt like I should make sure Sam got home safe. So I came back here.

I'll go to Thirsk tomorrow.

There are more things killing me than you can possibly imagine. I just thank whomever that I have such great friends.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 23:19 GMT
 

One last thing

I have to wait for a couple of hours before I go anywhere. I didn't realize that my jeans were covered in blood so they're in the washer.

And British washing machines suck donkey. It takes forever.

So I'm sat in limbo sans Kate Silverton, waiting for an endless dry cycle.

There is no end to the hell. ;)


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 13:23 GMT
 

Last note before I leave

I have just done the hardest thing I have ever done.

I took off my wedding ring. It stabbed me.

Nski took off hers months ago. Obviously it meant less to her than it did to me.

I feel so gutted. Going staying with Bob and FF will ease the pain somewhat.

Not having my wedding ring on will take time to adjust to. I used to wake up in the night in panic because I thought it was not there. It means more to me than anything. But now I fear I have to get rid to vanquish the demons.

My first wife lost her engagement ring and wedding ring within a year of us being married. Great how people care eh?

I'm going to start calling myself Vincent.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:23 GMT
 

Delay

Kate Silverton is on News 24 so I'm glued.

I have things to do, and I now know that Nski's new chap has a blog so I need to track that down, just so I know what is really going on.

When I got back on Sunday, I had resolve. It has gone again. I honestly hoped that Nski and I could heal the rift. I can't do anymore than admit I was stupid and concentrated on my career more than my family. This is a hard way to learn that lesson. I've been such a fool.

I've been lied to and cheated on and my guts burn with pain. I cannot sleep. I lay thinking about what Nski is doing.

Anyway, I'm offski now. It's wenting time. My name's Gough and I'm off. I'm going to go see my mate Nic tonight to see Sam. I may not be in good shape by the time I get there but hell, when have I been for the past two weeks? Your wife's new chap answering her phone is a bit of a killer. It kind of hits you in bits that you didn't know you had.

I know. You need to fix yourself. Unfortunately I am so damaged at the moment that I can't. And as I've said before, if you can string a sentence together with more than a couple of syllables, the NHS look at you as okay.

I'll be in Thirsk for a few days with Bob and the flip-flop. I cannot be left alone at the moment. But before that, it's going to be a bit of Sam as therapy.

J, get in touch.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 10:18 GMT
 

Mania continues

Highs to lows and vice versa.

My mate Jez is moving back to the UK rom CA sometime in the next month. Somewhere in Yorkshire too. It will be flipping fantastic to see him and his missus. He taught me an awful lot of what I know. We shared a house for years. To have him back in the UK will be fantabulous. I look forward to it like I haven't looked forward to anything in years.

Jez is a frickin' technical God. I doff my cap there. Whatever I know, Jez knows at least twice as much. If R, G, Jez and I can get something going, you guys should invest because between us, we have the ability to do some serious damage.

I am so chuffed I put my number on the web so Jez could get in touch. Knowing he's on his way home has put a great spin on the start of the day. I tell you, when I see him, I will kiss the bastard. One of my best mates ever is coming home. You have no idea how happy that makes me.

Anyway. I have things to do...shower, get up to Thirsk maybe via York.

I have a couple of hours before I need to act but if Kate Silverton hits the screen, I'll be lost for a few hours. I may be back before I disappear for a while, but I may be gone for a while I continue to break down.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 07:30 GMT
 

Insomnia strikes again

I've told you all I'm off to stay with my brother and SIL tomorrow.

At the moment I can't sleep. But Sam Payne is helping. She'll be playing in York tomorrow. I might have to go see her before I go to Thirsk. At least she won't have to put with me on her way back to Leeds.

The last time I saw her I was a mess. Nothing has changed that much but God, you need to hear her. She's sublime.

So the plan is that I will go to York and watch Sam and then go to Thirsk for some FF relief. She'll make me laugh again. If you knew the FF, you would love her. She is a breath of fresh air. And I do Bob a diservice by not saying how much of a brilliant bloke he is. Because he has stepped up to the plate like I would never have expected.

I just wish my marriage had that strength. I messed it up and I own that. I just wish I knew then what I do now.

Anyway, back to Sam. She is like a sedative...you can listen to her all day and still want more. I hate hero worship and I'm a football man so it speaks volumes that I have so much appreciation of her. She's one of these people you have to love. I'm lucky to have met her. Hell, I met Nick Harper on several occasions and I never felt as connected as I do with Sam. On a musical level. Nick is ace, no doubt. Sam is fucking incredible.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 00:10 GMT
 

28th March 2006

New lows

I can't speak to J, who has been my confidante for a long time now because some monkey doesn't understand the concept of librium. Why would he?

I bought her a laptop today and took it down there to deliver it. No entry mate; you fell asleep last night. Yeah dickwad, that happens when you're on prescription meds. And strong ones at that. I've been on 60mg of librium for days.

I saw the doc this morning and said I don't want anymore of this stuff. My mood swings are too much. The last thing I need is an accelerant to change my moods.

I'm at my wits end. The tightrope I am walking is a serious threat and whichever way you fall off it, you're going to hurt.

I'm probably going to go stay with Bob and the flip-flop tomorrow. My two therapies in life are being denied; I can't see J for some sense and Nski's cell phone either sucks or she's had enough of dealing with me.

This is going to be a crash down not a splash down.

The only use I can possibly be at the moment is as a source of finance. And that may dry up soon. My kids will only ever know me if I make it to being old. Honestly, it's hell on earth. I feel like I am in hole I cannot get out of. And the more things turn against you, the less inclination you have to fight.

This is an amazingly stupid thing to do, but I'll do it anyway. J, my cell number is 0777 988 0498. Call me. I don't want thanks. I just want to hear your wisdom. You've done more good for me than you can imagine.

So tomorrow, it's Thirsk for me. Some time with Bob and the flip-flop will do me a world of good. Just FF's happy smile will make my day. Sorry kidder, but your wife is gorgeous and her energy is contagious. And we'll laugh like we did on Sunday. That in itself is gold-dust to me at the moment. It will not be pretty for a while but such is life.

My support network is second to none and I'm still breaking. It makes me wonder whether I will ever get out of the dark places. If anyone can cure me, it's the FF. She has something about her that just makes you want to hug her to bits. She's a bloody hell of a woman.

Before I literally crash, J, give me a call. No strings. I don't care if I never enter that establishment again but I do care about your well-being. You're in that premiership league.

Once again, guts spilled I leave you.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 22:42 GMT
 

Great day, not

Apparently there's a strike. Big deal. We've dealt with worse.

I have just spent two hours on the phone with a lady called Nicola at the Samaritans. My talk with Nski last night did me a lot of good but it also conjured up all my demons. I have no-one else to talk to so I called them. Not much advice but a whole load of my chest. If I ever get through this darkness, I need to volunteer to do that job. They are awesome. They listen, they don't judge.

I'll probably go see J again tonight. She's been a rock and she probably reads this now. Thanks J. You're a diamond. You're welcome here whenever you need to come. You've done me more good than any therapist.

And thanks Nski. That convo last night was great. I'm not sure whether it gave me hope or just a sense of the inevitable. Either way, it was cathartic.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 11:47 GMT
 

Turmoil

I've just had the nicest conversation with Nski. It was like we were years ago. We're probably done for good but talking to her warmed my heart. Whatever happens, she'll be my love.

I have to go see the doc again this morning and he is going to ream me a new one. I know it and I can accept it. But whatever consolation you can get, you need to take.

I went and saw J last night again. Again, a sane voice in a sea of drivel. I told Nski and even she thinks that it's healthy. You can see why I love her so much. I go for therapy with another woman and Nski approves. She is truly one in a billion. I just hold out hope that we might still get through this.

Shower time and then the doc. I'm not looking forward to this. This is going to be a tough one to explain. How do you tell your doc you've been out taking therapy from strippers while drinking gin and orange? And then woke up to call your near-ex-wife.

The more that I contemplate a life without Nski, the less life force I have. I love J to bits but she would never fill the hole that Nski has filled. That is a wound that will never heal. All I can do is try. And to be honest, I would sooner J hooked up with El Bobo from Th'Oddies. That would be superb.

Sorry. Another downer of a post. It wasn't meant to be. I intended to be positive having had such a nice chat with Nski, but I know she's gone from me now and that in itself is gutting. I'm back in la-la land all be it sane. I'm just so grief stricken that I cannot concentrate on anything other than Nski and how many things I have done wrong. Stupid career. Stupid everything. I messed up so badly and if I could change any of it, I would.

My doc will take the piss as usual. I will cry my eyes out as usual. So the cycle continues.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 07:17 GMT
 

27th March 2006

Freedom of speech

I suppose now all my hopes on a reunion are dashed, I can enthuse about whomever I choose. I've said this before but Sam Payne is a bloody marvel. I bought her CDs a few weeks ago and have not listened to anything else. I did that with Tori Amos when I first saw her at City Varieties in Leeds in 1992. Tori's Scarlet's Walk didn't leave my CD player for months. Sam's is another one that will stay with me forever. This is an absolute masterpiece.

I'm not sure whether you can get her CDs over the net yet but if you can't, I'll write some code that she can add to make sure you can. You honestly need to hear her to get this. As a pianist, she is a genius -- one of the reviews praised her left hand which is ritually every pianist's week spot. As a vocalist, she is like Karen Carpenter (not literally) -- I mean she has probably never hit a bum note in her life.

She sounds like an American jazz musician until you talk to her and realize she's got a broad Yorkshire accent. The irony was too much. I laughed.

I'm sure she's a bugger but all the same, she deserves some sales just for being so talented.

I'd put some MP3s up here but all that would do is deter sales and break some copyright law. I've sent some to my friends and family just so they try to buy the CDs but you lot can all just go buy the CDs yourselves. Trust me. You will not regret it.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 19:38 GMT
 

Technology sucks

Apparently my daughter here in the UK searched for her mum's name on t'interweb and obviously hit my genealogy pages. She was ecstatic and thinks we're all famous now.

In exactly the same way that I have had no contact with her for years, so I expect it to go with Nic and Zoe. Her mother was mad as a box of frogs and although I have been told she has calmed over the years, it's not something I want to put to the test. The last time I dealt with her, she locked me out of the house because I had my old MD coming round to look at some technology. Yeah -- that batshit crazy. I think she actually told him to make his own coffee. I'm surprised I ever worked with him again it was that bad.

Anyway, the result is I have had to 403 anything from telewest. If you know anyone who uses them who has a fixed IP, I'll be happy to allow them access but I can take no risks. For the good of L, she needs to believe I'm still in the US. For the good of me, I need to avoid her mother unless I fancy a long stay at Her Majesty's pleasure. In my current frame of mind, I would not be responsible for my actions.

My mum pointed out yesterday that it's nearly my birthday and asked what I wanted. I said an AK-47. I even offered to share it with my dad for squirrel purposes. She doesn't even know what an AK-47 is. Bless her.

Anyway, technology is an enabler but sometimes it enables just a touch too much for the young. Christ, I think I have just agreed with AOL for the first time in my life. I need to lie down.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 10:18 GMT
 

Sorry Natasha

I fear I have a new news-anchor love. Kate Silverton. She's got everything. Looks, glasses and a wicked sense of humor. I've read that she is a bit ruthlessly ambitious but hell, she'll get over that; we all do eventually, once we've been kicked hard enough.

Sorry Kaplinski -- you missed your chance. Kate, call me.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 09:51 GMT
 

Oh I love insomnia

I lay down hours ago. Sleep wasn't happening.

Thankfully, the main man from Th'Oddies was online. El Bobo himself. Really nice talking to him. He's coming over to Leeds soon.

He took the remarkable view that because I was older than him, he knew less. That made me laugh. I can name you lots of people younger than I who I would gladly listen to. And I can name you lots who are older than me who I completely ignore (no names again).

I'm going to take him to meet J. I hope they hit it off and live a life of joy. Not much chance, but it's worth a try. It would be excellent to see him with J. It would make my decade.

Damn, you have no idea how pleased I am to hear from him. He's brighter than hell and is trying to embark on a trip to finish his degree in Japan. Between mine and the Waaart's contacts, we should be able to help on that score.

Lights out for Kenny. I thought about calling J for some counsel but decided against it. Sometimes you hang on to the things that you love so much. And I will do that until it's proven that it's pointless. Although by Nski's lack of contact over the last few days makes me have less and less confidence.

Whatever, night all. Don't you just hate time changes? The older I get, the more they throw me.

Demain mes amis.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 01:31 GMT
 

26th March 2006

Karma

I just nipped out for cigarettes. On my way back I spotted an old guy with a walking stick just rooted to the spot, obviously scared to death by something. All I could get out of him was that he needed a taxi. After a few minutes I managed to flag one down for him. I managed to help him into it. The taxi driver was starting to arsey at the amount of time it took the poor old bloke to get in.

I gave the driver a tenner just in case the old bloke had no money.

Honestly, it sickens me that people can just ignore people who are obviously in distress. It's all rat, rat, rat.

Another example of what a fucking degenerate bunch of youngsters we have now. I went walking the dog with my grandma this afternoon on the estate that my mum and dad live on, which is quite a nice area for Manchester. Used condoms lying on the pavement. It's no wonder my paternal grandmother is scared to leave the house.

When I was a kid, we treated adults with respect and we used litter bins. What the hell has happened for it to get so bad? Maybe it's just city center living, but I am disgusted by the lack of compassion people have for others.

It doesn't help my mental state when I look at a world like this. The girl in the doctor's and that poor chap who could barely move without his walking stick. As one of Sam's records says, a change is surely overdue.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 21:01 GMT
 

Weekend update

I'd forgotten it was Mother's Day today. Thankfully I picked up something from M&S en-route yesterday.

I've had a strained few days. My mood alters between wanting to rebuild and just get the hell on with it and dark, dark places. I went out to see a friend of mine on Friday. She's a stripper but she's still a human being. And a good one at that. I told her about what was going on. She listened, sympathized and gave me some constructive advice on self-confidence and esteem. Better therapy than any the NHS seems to manage. You find wisdom in the strangest of places. Thanks J.

When I got home, I slipped on a wet bathroom floor and cracked my head open again. Good job my head is made of granite. Bit o'blood and bruising but nothing life threatening.

Anyway, havind said that, I went to stay at the Ubermeister's yesterday. We stayed up until 3am talking. I even told her about my stripper friend. She is so pragmatic it's untrue. She thinks I should take solace in whomever I need to. Not in a carnal sense, in a conversational sense. We talked about everything there is to (things you have no business talking your grandmother about) and she made so much sense, I felt sane today for the first time in weeks. She's 80 and she has had years to sort out all the same demons that are haunting me. We should always resepect our elders...except those that are hysterical, mentioning no names.

I have also shaved my head again. I was looking too much like Liam Gallagher. Too Manchesto'.

Bob and the flip-flop gave me a lift back here and at the moment I have some resolve. I have it in bursts. But at least it is there. Since my problems started, it's like my relationship with Bob and flip-flop has moved onto a higher level. I always new flip-flop was great. I just didn't realize how great. I love her to bits and would trust her with my life. And Bob seems to have realized what a fecking tortured soul I am at the moment and stepped up to help. We spent the afternoon laughing which is something I have not done in weeks. It felt like a unified family again. I've been in limbo for two years and today, I had the first feeling of healing.

That said, it could all crumble in hours. And I could end up anywhere doing anything, most of which would land me in A&E.

I need to take my grandmother's and J's advice. And I will try to do so. We'll see whether the resolve is great enough.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 18:36 GMT
 

24th March 2006

Doc update

The more I see this guy, the more I like him. We laughed together today as he explained that my problems were limited when put into the greater perspective. And he still thinks I should have been a doctor.

I did have to wait for three hours to see him though.

I had a very sad moment though. Some poor girl with an eight month old kid came in to see the doctor about diaper rash. All she wanted was a prescription for cream so she didn't have to pay. She was obviously broke. When she realized that she would have to wait for hours, she literally crumbled. She looked like she had been shot. I offered to give her my slot. She left in tears. I knew that I had an age to wait so I followed her out and took her to the chemist a couple of doors down. £3 is nothing. I bought her cream and sent her off home with a hug. Sometimes small acts mean big things. I am just grateful I was there at that time and that I could help in whatever small way.

Apparently her husband turned up at the surgery and raised merry hell. And I tend to agree with his sentiments. If it's an open surgery, unless you are dying of a gunshot wound, no matter who turns up first, kids should get the priority, not sit on a waiting chair for hours in agony. Us middle-aged gits and geriatrics alike should take one for the team when a kid needs help, no matter how trivial the problem is. If we're that selfish that we hold ourselves more important than the children, we deserve all the illnesses we get and we need to take a good long look at ourselves.

When I explained to the doctor's receptionist that she had been cruel, her response was that diaper rash does not come on overnight. Anyone who is a parent knows that is bollocks. She effectively said the girl was unfit to be a parent. How can she judge that when she's probably only met her a couple of times? And in my world, that is slander...if I were that girl, I would sue her arse to high heaven for being so uppity.

She was no smack addict. She was a clean cut kid with a baby that she was frantic about. Smack addicts don't behave like that. Her baby's cries were killing her. I just wanted to give her a hug and say it's temporary and easily fixed.

Speaking of looking into ourselves, I have been doing exactly that. I've always been polite by UK standards but the Midwest taught me more. I inadvertently strayed into the path of a construction worker today on my way back from the opticians. I said "excuse me" -- he looked at me like I was from Mars. Our expectations of other people are so low. Which is why when you can dosh out a poxy £3 to stop grief you should do.

I just hope that the poor girl and her kid are now okay. I would hate to have put a band-aid on something more serious.

I now need to go and collect my new glasses so I can see again. And I need new jeans. My injuries from the weekend have left me with holes in the knees where the blood seeped through. It's been an expensive day. Glasses, my tab at the local shop, new jeans, prescriptions...bye bye £300. At least one percent of that makes me feel human.

Would that the rest of the world would do the same for their fellow man or woman. Some people are great. The rest just suck.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 13:35 GMT
 

23rd March 2006

Injuries

I have enough problems without physical injuries.

At the moment, I can barely walk due a knackered left knee. My back is bruised to hell and my right hip is killing me. I can barely move. And I have to make it to the doc's tomorrow.

What a breeze life is.

Still, I hold out hope that Nski and I can repair our relationship and that makes physical pain less than painful. I can handle physical pain, no probs at all. It's the mental stuff that kills me.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 23:17 GMT
 

Lay your life on the line and wear your heart on your sleeve

I have just emailed Nski. I have no idea how she will feel but I made some probably stupid references to others who suffered from complete love.

It brought to mind one of my favorite pictures:



Isn't that the most beautiful picture ever? It reflects a love that you cannot articulate.

In the meantime, I'm meeting my old school friend Nic tonight so I need to shape up. I just hope I've not been gutted by email before that because the last thing I want is to break down in front of someone who knew how soft I was at school but has since hopefully noticed I have hardened a great deal.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 10:33 GMT
 

22nd March 2006

Hope springs

I don't know whether this will happen, but there is the vaguest hope that Nski and I may repair the fracture.

I so hope so. I will never love another woman like Nski. I would give up every penny I own to have her back, no matter what she has done.

I've been down on her, libelled her, lied about her but the truth is I love her so mcuh that I have lost all sense of reality. She's my one love and no-one could ever take her place. She's the reason I get up. The reason I live. She's the most incredible woman you would ever meet.

Life has to go on. I just hope it goes on with Nski because if it doesn't I'll be dead inside and never look at another woman.

Nski, you have all my backing for whatever you need. You know I mean that. Anything. ANYTHING. I would fight Iraq single-handedly for you.

We can get through this. Please tell me we can.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 23:57 GMT
 

A change

In a change from my recent maudling breakdown posts, I will comment on the budget: entirely sensible. Tax gas guzzlers, don't tax low-emissions. Penny on a pint. No duty increase for spirits, wine etc. 9p on a packet of cigarettes. No increase in income tax or national insurance -- which would have been barely conscionable given the rate anyway.

So much for no more Punch and Judy politics. David Cameron looked rabid. And Menzies looked like a poodle.

The outside world seems to be doing fine. I'm not.

Change again. I am sick of my phone ringing. If it's not my parents it's the Waaart's parents or my grandmother. And if I don't pick up within 3 seconds, there's an almighty panic happens, and I end up with the police knocking down my door. Hello people? Have you never heard of bathrooms or sleep or shops?

Honestly, I don't want to talk to my family. It's damaging. My release is here on t'interweb. It's pretty anonymous and can be pretty brutal. And I can swear like a twat. And all of those things that would rock my family's world I can do here.

If I want to talk, I can call Clare or April or MJ. I wish they would just butt out for a while and let me get on with recovery.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 17:47 GMT
 

Toppest woman ever

My sleeping habits are back to where they were over a year ago, so I am awake.

I just spent nearly an hour on the phone with April. It was cathartic. My holiday will probably be to Canada to go see her. She is the nicest, most understanding and empathetic woman I know. Whoever her nemesis is deserves to be shot for not loving her like he should. Life is more than a bank account, and she realizes that. A diamond in the female world.

Thanks April. You made me feel alive again.

I'm just not looking forward to my phone bill. I've called MJ, the beautiful Ms Luminous and the equally gorgeous April tonight. It's going to be expensive.

That said, I have a plan. I'm going back to school. I'm off to do a PhD so that I can piss on all those bastards who ever doubted me. The Waaart will attest to the fact that I can do this. And I can prove to my old lecturers that I was, in fact, more than capable.

April listened for a while and then said why the hell not? I'm now convinced because I value her opinion more than any other. She's not just beautiful, but she's savvy too.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 04:19 GMT
 

21st March 2006

People are people

And some of them are fantastic. I limped back from York this morning to read my email and contact work.

In my inbox, I found a message from MJ that broke my heart. It was the sweetest message I have ever had. And I will be calling her because she is just a feckin' love.

I also had one from Mopsa that did the same thing to me.

I've met MJ once and I loved her the moment I met her. I've met Mopsa a few times and she is compassion personified so I loved her too. In fact, some may say my judgement was a bit clouded when I commissioned her company to redo our website. But they have continued a business relationship so maybe I wasn't that out of order.

When you have these virtual friends, you get fond. Like I said earlier, I've spoken with Ms Luminous but never met her. If I did, I know I would be star-struck.

This web we weave as bloggers creates things that strictly speaking should not happen. But they do. You end up loving a lot of people you barely know.

If you look at my blogroll, almost everyone has either commented, IM'd or emailed me. That makes me feel fantastic. That people who don't know me from Adam care.

Thanks you lot. You've made me cry, but in a good way.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 12:27 GMT
 

AWOL

One good thing is that Natzoid and I are now communicating, even though it must be as difficult for her as it is for me. I switch between wanting to shoot her and wanting her back so much that it makes me want to just give up.

She's now away for two weeks which means I have two weeks of hell to get through. Well, I've done one week. Another couple probably won't matter, as long as I don't get arrested again.

I did my old trick last night. I went out with the Waaart. We left the pub armed with a couple of bottles of Shiraz. His wife was none too pleased and wouldn't let me in. I ended up at Karen and Nev's with severe leg injuries and no glasses, so once again, I'm blind. I get paid on Friday so I can get some new ones then. Until then, I'm on corrected shades.

My work have been fantastic. I called and explained to them what was happening. Within an hour, the HR lady called me and lined me up with an occupational therapist. How nice is that? Do you think that would happen in the US? I don't. And I fear I thanked her so profusely she would probably want me commited.

I've spilled my very innards here over the past week or so, so please forgive me when I make a very public plea to Natzoid. Whatever you have done, I want you back and will forgive anything. I didn't marry you for the sake of it. I married you because I love you unconditionally. You can carry on seeing this Steve guy, just please don't leave me. You've rocked a foundation that might not recover.

To finish, I need to sleep. Consciousness is not something I can cope with at the moment. It means awareness of your situation, and that is something I just cannot tolerate currently. I want to just phase out of this quietly. Peacefully. And there must be room in Downall Green for a box of ashes. My great grandfather, his wife, my grandad and his brother, his sister are all there. One poxy box won't make a difference. And it's not like I want a plack. I just want to join the man who made me what I am and taught me to love. He may have been a coal miner who couldn't spell to save his life, but he was the most decent human being I have ever known.

I know I keep going back to Stanley but there's a good reason for it. I have never been big on love. But he was one guy who I was devoted to. He bought me my first size four cricket bat from a shop on Wigan Road. It won't mean much to the US peeps, but to an English lad, it's like a lottery win. He took us to play tennis whenever he could too.

The day he died, I had a compulsion to go see him. I had seen him the day before but I knew I needed to see him that day. And he was his usual daft self which made me happier than anything. By 8:00pm he was dead at 61. A more gutting experience I thought I would never experience. And then comes this. Something that literally rips you into pieces. I know I'm no angel. When I left my first wife I had no guilt about it because I hated her. If Natzoid hated me so much, she should have said so rather than prop me up and say the right things to make me feel like we would eventually be together again.

One of the first things she told me when we met was "Don't sit with speakers up high. Turn them off and admit what is going on." I wish she had heeded her own advice.

To give you some idea, as a teenage boy, I made my grandad a birthday cake for his sixtieth birthday. You have never seen anyone so touched. I made Natzoid one too but I'm afraid it was crap and the awe was not there. I compare the two because they have been the mainstay of my life. Two bereavements in such a short time is unbearable and I cannot understand anyone who can cope with that amount of pain.

Anyway, I have some injuries I need to tend to and it's going to hurt. But I'll be damned if I'm off to A&E again.

Thanks Karen and Nev. Once again, you have proved what a brilliant pair of people you are. You took the most fragile person on the planet and made them feel like they are worth something. I owe you two and the Waaart big time. You're almost too good for this crappy world we live in.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 10:49 GMT
 

20th March 2006

And while I'm on the subject of great people

I neglected to mention a few.

Ms Luminous is someone I have never met but I'm sure I would love to bits.

Also, I did Karen a diservice by not mentioning her. She may have married one of my best friends Nev but I'll forgive her for that. He deserves somebody as brilliant as Karen. Karen and I have always had a brother/sister relationship. She has propped me up like no-one else other than her brother (the Waaart). When I first arrived back in the UK, it was Karen who pitched up to see me. Funny thing was, Natzoid hated my relationship with her because she regarded her as a threat. But Karen has a unique disposition; she cares passionately for people. Not just those she knows, everyone. That is a rare talent.

There were more threats to Natzoid at my work in the US than somone 3000 miles away. Isn't it amazing how your perspective changes? I was lying in a hospital bed in A&E a few days ago. And all I had was anger and disaffection. A few days with the Waaart and I'm starting to mend. I'll never completely mend because you can't heal wounds so deep. Like I said in the previous post and have said many times before, the death of my grandfather when I was sixteen killed me emotionally. I don't think a day has gone by since that I have not grieved for him. I suspect I will be the same way with Natzoid.

That said, my doctor just called me. He has given me carte blanche to do whatever it takes to heal myself. He wants to see me in the week but his understanding was so real that I cried. His verdict; "America has no morals. You should have known that; you're an educated man. It's a shame you've been lied to and had to find out like this. Now you know." I kind of disagree in that I think American morals are outstanding. It's people who let you down not countries.

Anyway, I was talking about good people. Dr S is one of them. Completely confirmed now. I trust him implicitly.

And as a final thanks, Pam, MJ, Mopsa, April -- thanks for being there. You have no idea how much you mean to me.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 13:42 GMT
 

A message

To all you fuckers who think I should be concentrating on the children I will probably never see again, fuck off and don't bother commenting.

If you've ever seen a therapist before, you'll know that you need to heal you before you can do anything else. I'm in a state of grief that you bastards could not even comprehend. I am quite literally out of my mind with grief.

If I do get it back together, then I can worry about the kids. At the moment, if I don't get myself together again, the kids will have more to worry about than a decent dad. More like a deceased dad.

I don't like admitting this, but I've been in A&E for a drug overdose, I've had the police at my door more than once and I have been arrested in the last week. Oh, and the police broke down my door because I was in York and my mobile had no charge so parental units being what they are, they called the police fearing that I had rolled a seven. My world is crumbling around me, and just because I have a vocabulary, all the physchologists I have seen have pronounced me sane, just because I can string a sentence together with more than two syllables. Fucking useless bunch of tossers...like I say, I don't want God, I just want someone who understands the hell I am living and can do something about it.

My brother and his frickin' awesome wife were fantastic. I only expected the flip-flop to turn up, however Bob came too. I cannot thank them enough. I tell you my sister in law got out of the car and came straight to hug me and I cried like a baby. She's the best person on this planet. She makes Mother Theresa look like Judas. Flip-flop; you really are the nicest and most compassionate person I have ever met. I still remember the day we met, and the champagne we drank on your eighteenth birthday. And I'm so proud to have you in my family. You're every man's dream wife. And I hope you and Bob experience many, many years of hapiness together.

And while I am on the subject of thanks, the Waaart has always been my best friend and he has proved it over the last few days. He's a better therapist than any quack I've been refered to. Sometimes friends are more important than medics. They know you better than that. They know your weaknesses and they know how to help better than the conflicting opinions of various medical "professionals". He has a Phd which makes him way better qualified than any MD who passed a couple of exams and got an inferior MB qualification.

He's been my lifeline. He's also told me about Natzoid when he was in the US. Another heart-breaker that I had to ask him to stop telling me about. I have been so deceived that I cannot get my head around it.

I'll not be working for a good while now. This isn't just a passing phase. This is a fully fledged breakdown. One that will take months to recover from, if I decide that I have the strength to recover.

Thanks to all the decent people who have left messages of support.

And fuck you lot who think that "pulling yourself together" is the answer, because sometimes you can't. Try telling me to pull myself together after my maternal grandfather died...pointless. It's bereavement in a sense that you will never experience because you have the IQ of newts. If you have ever loved, you would know how this feels.

Apparently there's no room to be buried with my grandad. That's my only reason for still being here. If I could rest at his side, I would be a very happy man just in the knowledge that we would be together again. We are so similar, except I never gamble. We might as well have been the same guy. And his dad, come to think of it. I'll be seeing you soon Stan, even if it is an ice cold cemetry in Downall Green.

And as I say, if you want to leave comments that tell me to shape up, don't because I will 403 your arses into oblivion. Nothing makes for healing like self-righteous jerks who are experts on nothing of any value other than their Christian do-gooding shape up twattish beliefs. I'd say thanks to you, but I can't. You're twats but I hope you never, ever feel the pain that I feel.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 09:00 GMT
 

16th March 2006

Sense

Here's what D IM'd me. He's been there before and the more time I spend with him and his missus, the more I love the pair of them.

R: Kenny, Just got your message, for fucks sake dont go on a bender, or fall into a tail spin. You need to focus on yourself getting mentaly and physicaly fit, If she doesnt want to suport you in that then fuck her. Trust me harsh as that sounds its the fastest route to self help. You know where we are if you need us. Dave.

Kenny: I'm dead inside.

R: Of course you are you dick, everything dies back in the autumn mate, it all starts to grow again though you know. You would not be in the situation your currently in if you were both equaly prepared to fight for each other. You really have got to get a bit of steam up about this, you've been fucking miles from your family, fighting with poorly prescribed medication and its legacy, living alone, doing a job that fucking bores you to tears in order to send money back to a woman who's not prepared to keep things going. Sorry but in my book that puts you on the higher ground, you need to get selfish Kenny and put your own life back together, you'll be fucking amazed how quickly things can come around, (I certainly was!)

R: No matter how shite you feel now, you've got two simple options:

R: 1) Accept the pain hurt and tears that are inevitable but committ yourself to making your life better for YOU, just a little bit every day.

R: 2) Crawl into a corner, feel sorry for yourself and admit defeat, you're on a real low anyway Kenny so I understand the temptation to chose option 2 but you're not the bloke I thought you were if you do.

R: Get fucking angry (in a contained way of course) not more depressed. You've got to force yourself to just do stuff that fills your time and accept that you just have to make yourself very very busy so as not to think about this stuff too much (not until your back on your feet properly anyway) Come on for fuck sake, you've got a life ahead of you, not behind you!

I have some of the best friends ever.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 19:24 GMT
 

13th March 2006

Today's "consultation"

Wow. This one blew my mind. My doc is off to see his old medical prof in the next couple of days and he is nervous as hell about it. Apparently he nearly flunked physiology. Yup. I too am nervous.

Next up, he told me about his daughter who has just finished med school and is now a doctor. She nearly flunked the same exam.

I asked whether he knew the doctor who treated me in ER when I had my near-car incident. Apparently not. He doesn't like associating with doctors. "Doctors are boring and self-important." In fact, he said were I not a patient, we should go out for a "Jonnie Walker" together. What kind of a thing is that to say to someone who he knows is trying to give up drinking completely? Sheesh.

After that, I discovered that he passed his driving test on the fourth attempt, as a trade for some medical treatment. Yup. I'm cringing.

The one thing that I do like about him is his manners. He shakes your hand as you enter his surgery and as you leave. And you know he really does care. My old GP in Wigan used to give you 5 minutes top. Dr S gives you as much time as he thinks you need. It is not uncommon for him to spend 20-30 minutes with a patient. It makes for some damned long waiting times, but the trade-off is worth it.

He's definitely a character. I've never seen a doctor smile or laugh so much. It's kind of comforting. Too many doctors take themselves way too seriously and regard themselves as being divine beings. That is why I have historically avoided them. I don't dread seeing this guy at all. He's a real people person with a genuine love of his job. In fact, he beamed at me when I went in this morning and said "You look ten times better than you have done -- I can tell you're eating and sleeping before you even say anything -- am I right?" I told him I was eating for England but sleep was still problematic. His response was that sleep will come once my body gets used to the narcotics.

He may have a surgery in the roughest end of town, but I suspect he chose that route just out of a sense of duty. He believes in underdogs and that he can make a difference. A doff of the cap is due in his general direction. He's done more for me in four weeks than any medic in the past twenty years. He may be eccentric, but he's a keen observer of his patients, whether it seems like he's on Pluto or not. I dropped lucky here...after all my dalliances with the medical community over the years, it's a God-send that this guy is human. Anything else would have left me in the awful status-quo I had been in forever.

Doc worship over. More later.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 12:53 GMT
 

12th March 2006

Appetite and life-force returning

A little earlier than planned, a quick update on the medical front.

The drugs I have are a marvel of modern science. I don't care how many rats and mice died testing them because if they do even a fraction of the good to other people that they are doing for me, it was worth it. I think I said this before, but it's like a wave of relief washing over you.

Since I started taking them, I have not stopped eating. At the insistance of the parental units, I went over there for lunch today. Both my grandmothers were there and watched awe-struck as I polished off everything and the better part of a whole sponge cake. I feel ten years younger.

It's back to the quack's tomorrow morning. I think a few more days like the past five and I'll be ready to hit the world again full-on. What I don't want to do is make the same mistake I have made time and again and go back to work too early. The last time I did that after one of these bouts, I was dead on my feet and it showed.

That spark that I had lost appears to be returning. Maybe it's just because I have made an effort to get out. Going seeing D and G was a big step and did me a world of good. They've both got energy and it's contagious.

Anyway, the verdict so far is that these things are bloody miracles. They're not much good for insomnia but at least being awake is bearable when you're feeling pretty good.

A few more days rest and then I'll do a few months at work. And then, all being well, I am going to take a holiday. I don't know where yet, but it will be outside the UK. I fancy somewhere I have never been before, which is a tad restrictive as I do appear to have covered quite a lot of the globe. Suggestions anyone?


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 21:31 GMT
 

11th March 2006

The return of Mr Tumnus

Those of you who care will be relieved to know that the Waaart has been located and is safe.

My happiness at this news is tempered only by the fact that Chelsea came to within seconds of dropping two points today. I am starting to see some chinks in their armour.

Today, I will be mostly writing code with a quick trip to Marks and Sparks to stock up on some essentials.

Finally, on an entirely different subject, does anyone from the Wigan area know when Garswood Hall colliery closed? My dad reckons it was 1952. My research says 1958. If El Bobbo from th'Oddies is reading this, any chance you could ask Fearless Fred, Ste, 'Owd Norm or Dennis for me and let me know? Thanks.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 15:18 GMT
 

Dinner

I hopped over to a little place called Brockholes for dinner with D and G, and a damned fine evening it was too. Their house is unbelievable and you would not believe how much work they have put into it. It was lovely to be in such a comfortable and friendly house with good company.

D continues to impress the hell out of me...



and



Apologies for the pictures -- phone jobs.

He sears the fat on the steaks in lard. I swear I nearly swooned in awe. The food was delightful. And it's nice to see two people who are clearly so at ease with each other. I've not spent enough time with entrepreneurial people since I got back. It was a breath of fresh air.

Thanks D and G. Top notch evening.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 01:25 GMT
 

10th March 2006

Strange day

I got my first official website commission today. Everything I have ever done before has been for free. The chap who has commissioned this one doesn't like free so I am actually going to get paid for doing something I love. What a fantastic feeling.

In contrast, I still haven't managed to track down the Waaart. I called the Fulford and they haven't heard from him since the weekend. I have Nevulus on the hunt. York is a big place and, on balance, I have zero chance of tracking him. As per bloody usual, his cell phone is switched off. Beats me why he has one.

I guess another round of phone calls is in order before I depart for Kleckhuddersfax.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 12:03 GMT
 

Dilemma

I'm meant to be not stressing myself, according to the relative insanity that is my GP. No such luck.

I'd arranged to go visit a good friend and his Missus this evening for dinner. I should do that because I rate these two people as being two of the best on the planet. Further more, he's fresh out of hospital having suffered from an undiagnosed appendicitis for two weeks. The appendix was gangrenous by the time they pulled it out of him. I didn't even know until the other day; great friend I am.

It's kind of a battle of the steaks. He has a local butcher who he swears is a God. An example of his comments on said chap...

A pal went in one day to buy a Sunday joint, butcher dropped half a cow on the slab. Paul suggested something a bit smaller and the butcher just said "What's up lad, are you scared of meat, can't you eat the stuff?"

Sounds like my kind of butcher.

Anyhoooo, on the other hand, I really am worried about the Waaart. I should go find him. I suppose I could spend the morning searching for him and then go to dinner. I don't want to miss this evening; D, G and I have some business to discuss as well as attempting suicide by steak and I have been putting off going over there for a while thanks to an abject disaffection with the outside world. It's about time I stepped up to the proverbial plate and broke out of my insular world.

Right. Decision made. Coffee, shower and then I'm off to York. Waaart, you can run but you can't hide. I just need to remember where the Fulford is...I guarantee there will be information there.

David, defrost those steaks man. I'll be there early evening armed with pudding.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 10:09 GMT
 

9th March 2006

Problems

I have a number of serious problems going on at the moment.

The Waaart has gone AWOL. I have no idea where he is, and I fear for his safety. He overtakes me in the "I don't give a shit" attitude. I could take several guesses as to where he is, but it would cost me this month's salary to investigate them all. The one thing that he and I have always shared is an ability to evaporate for a while. While I'm trying my hardest not to do something like that, he has gone and done it. The email has gone unanswered and he never answers his phone anyway. Waaart, get in touch man. Even when you're on a bender, you know you can call me. We've been through hell and back; you know leaving me out of this is wrong. Hell. I'll come and meet you wherever you are. Just let me know you're okay.

Two, Da Missus is busy. I hate that. She's my sanity and I put an awful lot of pressure on her, but she still rocks my world like no-one else ever will. She has stuff to deal with and I have no right to burden her. I just miss her. Sorry Nski.

Three, I am addicted to bacon and egg sandwiches. I swear I need to stop this frying addiction. I had steak and eggs for dinner again. Since then, I have had two bacon and egg butties. Since when have I liked eggs?

Gah. Waaart, get in touch. I'll leave all the mobiles and landlines connected. Just contact me mate. I have a steak with your name on it. And I'm not going to sleep until I know you are safe. Better still, just ring the bell until I wake up. I have food. I have beer...you'll be fine.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 22:26 GMT
 

Before anyone asks

I was in Leeds all day yesterday. I was nowhere near a Securitas van in Warrington. I haven't been to Warrington in nearly two months and in fact, I have no idea where that particular area of Warrington is. Never was a big fan of Wazz (too close to scouseland). More of a Wiggin lad myself. And nicking £100,000 of pies (Wigan currency) doesn't have nearly the same prestige.

Update: I'm off the hook. The police press release reckons they are looking for two 5'8" people. Sometimes size does count. That said, I haven't heard from the Waaart in a couple of days and he is about 5'8". Come to think of it, Da Missus is about that size and she has been conspicuous by her online absence for a while.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 11:14 GMT
 

More doc anecdotes

I forgot to mention that during my consultation this morning, more than half of the time was spent discussing a piece of granite that my doctor found in Scotland that he has had mounted in his office for the past 21 years.

Apparently he used to practice there. For some bizarre reason he wrote the word DRAM in upper case on a piece of paper and thrust it under my nose. His philosophy is that there is no point telling a Scotsman not to drink. He proudly told me of his dalliance with the booze in 1981-82 and how he really enjoyed it but found it hard to concentrate on his job.

After that, he told me how much he loved CSI, how DNA was "invented" in England and that I should make sure I take my vitamins and pay attention to medecine because I would be quite good at it. Then he explained how hard it was to practice medecine. I explained that I hoped he wasn't practicing (I hate that phrase). He laughed while writing out my prescription.

I swear if this man were not my doctor, we would be seriously good friends. He is so far off this planet that you just cannot help but like him. Maybe I should offer him some of my narcotics? You know, a kind of bonding exercise.

Come to think of it, I should have asked him what he thought of Spooks. And House.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 01:24 GMT
 

8th March 2006

Tech support required

Apparently my phone is engaged permanently. I can get no dial tone on it, yet my DSL is working fine at close to 8MB. What gives do you think? I'm a bit baffled.

In other news, my cooking took a twist this evening. I had a sirloin with Bearnaise sauce and eggs, followed by pear and ginger pudding with cream. I can honestly say I have not enjoyed food quite as much for a long, long time. After dinner, I had a small nap and then indulged in some Victoria sponge cake with cream. I'm now considering a spot of cheese and some coffee.

My phone still doesn't work though, which makes sending out for pizza troublesome. These drugs not only make me feel human again, but I suddenly have a ravenous appetite. I swear I have never been as hungry. I guess I should slap that other steak under the grill.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 21:30 GMT
 

7th March 2006

Retroanalysis

Tina posted a couple of days ago about (wrong) decisions she had made that, although trivial at the time, had a major impact on her life. That's a tough one to do but I will attempt it.

-- 1985 - Bought a packet of cigarettes on my way to a college do. How stupid? It only takes one, and you're doomed.

-- 1986 - Phoned a number in Manchester to talk to what conspired to be my first wife.

-- 1987 - Decided that my social life was more important than my education. Scraped A levels. Peer appreciation meant more than qualifications so I got by on natural talent (guffaw).

-- 1991 - Continued my denial and socialized more than I studied.

-- 1994 - Decided that having bumped into my then ex-girlfriend, it would be a good idea to continue seeing her.

-- 1996 - Married same.

-- 2003 - Recognised that my job was in imminent danger but tried to offset the problem by trying to make myself invaluable. Had I stayed in the US under the nose of the CEO rather than generate revenue by traveling to Asia, it may well have been a different story.

-- 2003 - Same time, believed we could do a MBO and focused on nothing else.

-- 2004 - Started taking a first generation anti-depressant, against Da Missus's advice, that kicked me in the guts. I have yet to shake its impact. There are law-suits against the manufacturer - I should file one. It is worse than any illegal narcotic. It punches you in the solar plexus and carries on hammering you for years.

-- 2004 - Flunked an interview in upstate NY that was virtually a certain thanks to the above.

-- 2005 - Was weak enough to agree to come back to the UK and not just face what was ahead, leaving Da Missus to pick up the pieces. See previous point.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 22:46 GMT
 

While I'm feeling outraged

£53m gets stolen and a multi-million pound reward is offered for information.

An 11 year old girl gets raped in a supermarket and there's £5000 on the table.

Quod erat demonstrandum -- madness.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 12:25 GMT
 

Euro-madness

Whether I'm sick or not, I spend an awful lot of time watching the news. It's a kind of addiction that I should be treated for, but until someone recognises the problem as being physiological, I will continue to suffer.

Today's utterly unbelievable headline is about Natzoid Evans who had fertilized embryos frozen prior to having cancer and losing the ability to have children. Having recovered, her partner will not consent to Natzoid using those embryos to have children.

In how many ways is this ridiculous?

One. The lady in question has told her partner he has no obligations should she have the child(ren). She is willing to sign a legally binding contract saying such.

Two. The father in question made his bed in a couple of minutes of pleasure. He should not have the right, in retrospect, to pretend it never happened. He consented to the freezing of the embryos at the time, knowing full well the intention. Unless he was certifiable at the time, he should have no recourse. He obviously can never have loved his partner or he would have consented in a heartbeat, whether they were together or not.

Three. And this what riles me the most. Why is this in a European court? This is a matter for British law not a bunch of highly paid wazzocks in Strasbourg. More to the point, it's a matter of English law. Not Scottish, not Welsh, English.

Being English appears to be a crime in this day and age. Alfred the OK opened my eyes to this, and the more I look around, the more convinced I am that he's right. That said, all of the UK appears to be subject a higher God in Strasbourg and it makes me want to scream.

Euro-correctness is being inflicted on us every day. To wit, regulations about banana shapes, who can make certain cheeses and other such madness. And now, perhaps the most insulting; moral law. And even that they can't get right. Dictating the shape of fruit is one thing in that you can laugh at it, but inflicting seriously dubious moral law is another.

I feel for Natzoid Evans. She has sold her soul to have a child. She has agreed to be walked all over by her ex-partner in order to get what she wants. The English courts have failed her. She took it to the high court and the appeal court. And now Strasbourg.

I hate saying this because it's an institution I loathe, but surely this is a matter for the Lords? It has nothing to do with peasants in France or millionaires in Luxenbourg. Don't get me wrong, I feel for other Europeans, but this is a matter for English law and it appears we have it wrong. And we shouldn't have big brother in Europe reinforcing how wrong we are.

If the Lords rule that under English law she cannot have her child, they need to revisit those same English laws because they are obviously stupid.

I'm ranting, I know. It's taken me two cups of coffee and numerous edits to get this far.

I'm mixing two problems here. The idiocy behind the law that says that Ms Evans cannot have her child and the madness that is Europe.

Honestly, common sense really is an oxymoron.

Update: The father doesn't want the "emotional or financial responsibility" even though he signed consent forms. What a twat.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 11:53 GMT
 

6th March 2006

Weekly doc visit surprises

Okay, I'm starting to think that my quack does know what he's doing. He's playing down the minutae to hit the big problem first. Apparently he has been surrepticiously gauging my progress over the last three weeks un-beknownst to me, by engaging me on various topics, those very same topics that I have been blogging about.

He now reckons I'm to a point where he can actually start treating me with something to target the problem. He wants to give it a couple of days, but on Wednesday I start on the panacea (or so he would have me believe). According to what the doctor has said, my reading up on the drug in question, and knowing the patient better than anyone else, it should cure about 90% of what ails me.

Oh holy, holy, grail. I just hope it does. That would be so shagtastic I will sing from the window of my flat to passing commuters. Rain check for 10 days on health matters. Then I'll update you.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 09:29 GMT
 

5th March 2006

Call me Domestos

I have been a domestic God over the weekend. I should have my own TV show to explain to amateurs how to do this stuff. My laundry is complete, my kitchen sparkling, my bedroom has been zapped and bedclothes laundered, and the flat tidied in general. The big one though is that I have been cooking.

Yup, Yates in a kitchen. You can have no idea how freaked out I get when I cook. I have a morbid fear of ovens and grills (broilers for the US crowd). My pupils dilate, I develop a tremor and the veins in my forehead bulge like I'm constipated. I am exhausted by the time I have done it. And invariably something is wrong with it. Other people in this world (I'm looking at the Waaart and Da Missus) can cook a banquet while drinking wine and chatting. I need to give it 100% attention. I can't watch the TV while I'm doing it.

Even while doing all of the above, I still managed to eat the Telegraph Saturday crossword for breakfast, watch an awful lot of crap TV, do a grocery run (literally) and suffer from insomnia. All while chatting to Da Missus.

Honestly, I've been that anal that my clothes are out for tomorrow, cup ready for tea or coffee (one of each) and all my various medications are laid out for the morning.

Tomorrow morning is the weekly jaunt to the quack's. Oh how I love Mondays.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 20:34 GMT
 

4th March 2006

Confessional

I've just watched the Eurovision song contenders for the UK and have to confess that I swear it was that cheesy and tongue in cheek, it was actually really, really good fun. I'm serious. I cheesed my way through it. From Wogan's and Ross's derogatory comments to the Condie Rice look alike from last year to the final performance of the supremely over-confident winner, I loved every second.

All the music was utter garbage with the exception of Kym Marsh and the Scottish pair (I forget their names). But this is the Eurovision and it's all about style not music. If you don't have a well choreographed themed stage presence, you're doomed.

The Vic Reeves dressing Costa nearly pulled it off in his foppish shiny grey suit and white shoes, with faux dance steps. He was missing beats like I do when I dance. You could see Kaplinski, in her rather stunning outfits, whincing.

Speaking of Ms Kaplinski, her journalistic side shone through. She may have been smiling away but woe betide you if you started to over-run or looked like you were waffling.

But the guy who won, one Daz Sampson, had it all. School girls dancing round desks and a RAP act. As Mr Ross said (and I had thought the moment Daz took to the stage), it was so many wrongs, it was right. I hate rap, but that was so crap, it was excellent.

For the tack of the Eurovision, it's an absolute winner. The competition is here next year here. Trust me on this.

Sorry. I know. I've the IQ of a newt.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 20:36 GMT
 

Saturday, wrote Mr Kipling

OK, I'm off out for a coffee machine. I'm torn between the Morphy Richards and the the Russel Hobbs. I might have to live dangerously and toss a coin.

Update: Wow, that was monumentally unsuccessful.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:44 GMT
 

3rd March 2006

Grease and coffee

I've just done my first home made fry up since I moved here. The sausages were overdone but all the ingredients were Marks and Sparks so in general it was a bit bloody gorgeous. I fried my eggs in butter. Lovely. The bacon although unsmoked was equally gorgeous; lean like English bacon not all fatty like the US stuff. Baked beans I can take or leave but they were adequate. The bread was heavenly, even when fried.

The one disappointing aspect to the whole experience was that, for some strange reason, I fancied coffee. I don't have a coffee machine here because tea is my beverage of choice, so I made some M&S instant stuff. My coffee is usually purchased in big cups from the local deli on the way to work. I don't know what came over me to drink instant crap. It turns out that it's not that objectionable. But I am not tolerating it on a full-time basis. Tomorrow has to see the purchase of a coffee machine.

One of the things I loved about my life in the US was a travel mug and a coffee machine or PG Tips in the morning. It saved me literally hundreds of bucks. I think I need to make the investment in the coffe machine and travel mug here as a long term capital asset to offset operating expenses. I write this only to remind myself tomorrow.

Oh, and I really need to send N and S some tea. I have been saying I would do for weeks now, and it really isn't fair to not hook them up. I used to go through physical withdrawal when we had no decent tea; to have got them addicted and not deliver is evil.

Anyway, I have now been awake for about 38 hours so I guess I'm due to crash. Later grizzly dudes. Well, maybe another coffee first.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 23:03 GMT
 

2nd March 2006

Conflict resolution

When you're ill, the worst thing about it is other people's conflicting advice. Everyone wants to give you advice but they're as frail and human as you are. Decyphering the code is not easy when, ipso facto, you're ill.

To be honest, I have had one moment of clarity in the last couple of weeks. My innards are being systematically ripped from me in physical and conceptual ways. Questions I once knew the answers to have me in turmoil. And all the while, one bombshell after another lands in front of me.

What I need is an eraser. No-one's come up with that idea. I need to wipe out the last three years thoughts and doubts.

The Waaart said something to me that hit home. I've lost my spark.

Sam didn't think you were a tosser. She thought you were a fairly normal level nice feller... which for me was crucifying. You aren't "normal level" nice. You are an amazing dude. I thought everyone could see that. Last night I was proved wrong. It brought home to me in thump-in-the-face terms why that old course needs to be plotted.

Portion of confidence, table two please.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 13:31 GMT
 

What you never really get

I was up in York last night. The Waaart and I went to see Sam Payne (see left). The Waaart is a bloody muso. I just love music. I got the train back down to Leeds with Sam and felt like I wasn't fit to sit in the same carriage as her. I once touched a piano and should have been convicted for it. In fact, the Waaart will attest to that.

Honestly, talent in others just shoots you. This girl has so much talent it makes you hurt. She is destined for great things. I just hope she remembers to buy me and the Waaart a G&T when she's quite rightly earning the millions she should be.


Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 04:18 GMT